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Moderator:
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Welcome Dr. Molina.
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Dr. Ramiro Molina:
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Good Evening Moderator.
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Moderator:
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Hopefully we will have a very interesting talk regarding the subject of sexuality during adolescence.
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Dr. Ramiro Molina:
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I'm sure we will. It is necessary to talk about sexuality as soon as possible. Sexual education begins in the moment of a child's birth, with the first nonverbal contact between child and parents.
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Moderator:
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Pancho: When is the right moment to broach the subject of sexuality to the children?
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Dr. Ramiro Molina:
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Use the first occasion that is generally related to affection, love and respect towards other people. Questions that specifically relate to sex occur spontaneously at an early child's age and the answers and comments may be simple and without any discursive analysis.
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Moderator:
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Chara: Which is the best method when talking about sexuality with the children for the first time?
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Dr. Ramiro Molina:
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That depends on the details. Generally children ask very exact questions. It's us adults who seek for a complex and profound answer. It is best to use a simple and direct language.
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Moderator:
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Berny: Isn't it better to only assist talks about sexuality that the adolescents tend to deal with personally?
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Dr. Ramiro Molina:
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Both variants are useful especially if this subject is discussed in workshops where both parts participate, parents and children. This generally leaves work or topics of conversation for the parents and children to complete at home. Still, direct conversation between parents and their children is the most productive way of all as it works as a permanent communicator.
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Moderator:
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Stella: Is it better to wait for the children to ask questions or to encourage them to talk openly about it with their parents?
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Dr. Ramiro Molina:
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This depends on the personality of each child. Some are very timid and reserved and tend to have a very peculiar way of communicating with their parents. In such cases it is important to be patient and prepared for the moments in which the children ask direct or indirect questions on certain matters. This could be a drawing, a conflictive situation, a television subject or others.
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Moderator:
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Carmen: I'm a mother very worried about the problematic nature of the complex sexuality. How do I talk to my 13 and 15 year old daughters without making it complicated but understandable for both?
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Dr. Ramiro Molina:
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Today's children aged around 13 are already using a very individual language that relates to sexuality. Therefore tell them your own first experiences when you got to know your partner that now is your husband, sharing all the nice little anecdotes with them. This way they will show interest in getting to know more about your experiences and maybe even like to have their dad to talk with them about it. Playful aspects are often very helpful to enter topics that are more difficult and delicate.
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Moderator:
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Luis Fernando: Is it recommendable that mothers talk to their daughters and fathers to their sons about sexuality?
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Dr. Ramiro Molina:
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There shouldn't be one single motive to make a difference between the sexes because this way we would reinforce myths and beliefs, rights and duties, dependence and independence and unacceptable discrimination in today's world where men and women are taking on equal social roles. It is probably that difficult for the father because there is mostly no communication with their daughters regarding sexuality, even in families where the parent's profession has to do with health. And this is why we have to learn and work on this matter.
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Moderator:
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Silvio: If we talk about sexuality with our children, doesn't it constitute an incentive to perform it at an early age?
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Dr. Ramiro Molina:
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Scientific evidences show that knowledge about sexuality doesn't necessarily encourage the children to start having sexual relationships at an early age. It is the other way around. Those who ignore tend to have early sexual relationships and often with fatal consequences. There is no risk talking about aspects of sexuality with the children because the parents are the ones that can do it best; with love, affection and respect.
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Moderator:
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Gladys: How do we overcome the social barriers and taboos in order to talk about sexuality in a normal way as it is a natural part of every human being's life?
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Dr. Ramiro Molina:
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It is the evolution of the education and culture that can break these taboos. The first thing is to facilitate the language we use with our children and as a result we may already be able to talk differently with our grandchildren. It isn't accomplished in a day but it is a progressing process aiming a cultural change. The Northern European countries that have placed the sexual education within family language and daily activity, initiated the process and, despite being a society of rural origin at the end of the 19th century, they started with their educational program of sexuality in the first decade of the past century.
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Moderator:
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Carmen: How do we avoid that the information about sexuality that our children receive at home, are distorted and twisted by friends, television or external influence in general?
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Dr. Ramiro Molina:
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There is no alternative in order to control the mass media that deals with sexuality as that is how it is sold today, something we all live with. What we are left with is to teach our children confidence and openness to communicate and we need to know that we as parents are the persons to whom they relate most closely and that it is not their peers or the media of communication as it occurs today.
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Moderator:
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Salud: There are statistics about the age our children start to have sexual relationships but I think that depends a lot on the culture and the society of a country. Maybe you can give a general orientation about this aspect.
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Dr. Ramiro Molina:
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Between 40 and 60% of the Latin American adolescents younger than 19 have sexual relationships including the coitus. As a comparison, this number reaches more than 70% in the Northern European countries.
In oriental and fundamentally Moslem countries the number of sexual relationships before 19 years of age is a lot smaller. The same occurs in a lot of Chinese and Japanese regions, showing that there is an important cultural factor. Funnily enough countries that are strongly catholic do not register smaller numbers of initiated sexual relationships of adolescents.
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Moderator:
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Acevedo: Is there a physical or psychological reason why a 15 year old adolescent shouldn't have any sexual relationship?
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Dr. Ramiro Molina:
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There are no physical reasons that forbid a sexually mature adolescent to have sexual relationships. The central point is not the coitus itself but the complete sexual response that goes along with it and that has to do with affection, commitments and responsibility that may as well include preparing to be a mother or father or assuming the risk of getting infected with a sexual disease like AIDS.
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Moderator:
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Stella: I'm not sure when to start talking about contraceptives with my sons and daughters. I don't want to encourage them to use any but at the same time I'm worried about the possible fact that I'm told one day that my daughter is pregnant or that my son has made a girl pregnant.
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Dr. Ramiro Molina:
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The knowledge about the methods of contraception is part of each culture and the general education of each individual. The parents are obliged to teach their children about them in order to avoid infectious diseases like AIDS. We know that pure abstinence is the only way to really prevent this kind of diseases but we know as well that this is a rare case and the only way to be safe is using a condom and, incidentally, the maintenance of one single relationship, something that isn't typical for juvenile relationships. Above all it is not only to talk about contraceptives but to also provide confidential access to the instructions on how to use artificial contraception.
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Moderator:
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Chara: What can I do if the first talk about sexuality didn't go well? This has occurred with my son and to be honest, it has been an awkward situation and I have shown insecurity.
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Dr. Ramiro Molina:
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It is necessary that you as an adult find the way towards the subject of sexuality together with a professional that helps you to solve you personal problems that have certainly had an effect on the way you communicated. It is possible that you create barriers against the topic of sexuality that makes it difficult for you to talk with those persons you love the most, like your son.
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Moderator:
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Acevedo: How do religious families (Catholics, for example) achieve that their children enter marriage as virgins?
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Dr. Ramiro Molina:
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It is not enough that the family is religious because the wish to enter marriage as a virgin is a greater challenge today than in the last century. In countries like Chile, Argentina and Uruguay the age of getting married is around 27 or 28 with the woman being 24 or 25 and the man already reaching his thirties. If you now consider that the first menstruation went down to the age of 12,5 and the first nocturnal emissions firstly occur at the same age or even a little bit earlier, the distance between the endocrine glands that indicate sexual maturity and the marriage is almost 14 or 15 years. At the time of our great grandparents there weren't more than 5 years. Therefore, will it be enough to only be strictly Catholic to prevent sexual relationships?
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Moderator:
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Karla: I'm a young mother of 17 years and the corresponding father isn't here to take on the responsibility for the consequence of our carelessness. How do I deal with this situation and where do I get help from?
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Dr. Ramiro Molina:
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You need to find a program or information centre for juveniles in order to receive help for your particular situation.
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Moderator:
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Salud: If there are barriers and fears to talk with our children about sexuality, does that mean that there are other problems in our communication?
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Dr. Ramiro Molina:
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Definitely. The subject of sexuality isn't only confined to genital organs, sexual relationships or ways to perform the coitus. The most complex of the sexual education relates to affection, interpersonal relationships, the human mechanism and the interpretation of all the verbal and non verbal signs of communication regarding commitments, love and sexuality. That is what it is really about in its deeper sense. Neither has somebody taught us how to love nor how to receive affection. The communication problems regarding sexuality have roots that go deep into psychology and culture.
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Moderator:
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Stella: It is possible that there is a lack of communication with our children but the problem are we adults ourselves because we tend to forget about our own experiences at that age and therefore have such a hard time to accept that now our daughters and sons start to have sexual relationships.
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Dr. Ramiro Molina:
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You are totally right. We forget what we have gone through and if the experiences have been negative we tend to try coercively to protect them and keep them as secrets so that the same wouldn't happen to our children. How nice would it be if we opened ourselves to communication!
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Moderator:
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Do you think that our own sexual experiences of the past have an effect on the communication with our children?
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Dr. Ramiro Molina:
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In a way the experiences of our past leave a mark, especially if they were negative. Investigations show that negative experiences such as violation can result in serious conflicts with the personal sexual behaviour that will then negatively reflect in future relationships as well as in relationships with the own children. This is scientifically proved and therefore, sexuality needs to be understood as something healthy that includes responsibility and understanding and that doesn't leave us with the remorse of having done something evil and sinful. The same occurs with abstinence that is also not to be seen as a failure we have to protect our children from in the future.
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Moderator:
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Ramiro: Is it recommendable to share own sexual experiences of the past (in a sensitive and moderate way) with our children just as we share other aspects of life?
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Dr. Ramiro Molina:
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That depends on your ability. If you have sufficient maturity to talk about and comment your experiences, do it. But if you are not well prepared, you first need recall your experiences and try to draw a positive conclusion even though it wasn't truly positive. This is a very personal subject each one has to view with his own eyes and from his own perspective and common sense of the parents is a lot more helpful than a strict rule regarding this aspect.
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Moderator:
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Juliana: My 13 year old son has asked me shortly how one performs oral sex. I couldn't yet give an answer and still don't know what to say and how to say it. It is not that I don't know how one does it but how do I explain it to him?
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Dr. Ramiro Molina:
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In Chile, the experiences of focal groups of boys aged 11 to 13 show, that they have a harsh way of asking questions about oral and anal sex or about sex practices in general. The point is that they have heard about these things and now want to know what it is about and why one does it. If a boy asks his mom or dad about it, they now need to explain exactly how it is since he is already informed about it.
But it is also necessary to explain that oral sex contains the risk of infectious diseases because, as you know, dental plaque has a high number of bacteria that can cause an infection of the urethra of both, man and woman. Explain that the anus and vagina of a woman are close together and the person who pleases her orally could get infected through the faeces that can lead to intestinal diseases or even typhoid. These things need to be explained clearly, especially when done by the parents.
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Moderator:
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Doctor: What do I do when I catch my son or daughter reading porn magazines? Is it acceptable to have them at this age?
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Dr. Ramiro Molina:
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The magazines are part of the communication about sexuality and they substitute lacking sexual education. There has been an investigation with young people from Peru that will be published shortly and that reflects well that adolescents seek for information in those porn magazines that other regular guides do not provide. If you catch your son or daughter reading porn magazines, take it and look through it together, comparing the things that are artificially added and those that are far from truth. This way your child can ask you questions and you might both improve your communication with the time. The worst you can do is to prohibit it, hide it or take it away from her or him because he/she will try to look for these magazines even more intensively.
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Moderator:
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Stella: Years ago I was impressed by the mother of a friend who accompanied her daughter, once she turned 18 and had a boyfriend, to a gynaecologist that inserted an intrauterine device. Are they recommendable for girls who haven't had children yet?
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Dr. Ramiro Molina:
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In most cases experienced gynaecologists are against the insertion of an intrauterine device for a woman that hasn't been shortly pregnant. Reasons are as follows: more frequent rejections and pelvic inflammations; acute pain in the moment of the insertion and a higher risk of ectopic pregnancies. Today's hormonal contraceptives that are injected or orally taken have reached a high standard and have turned to be effective and secure methods that include little health risk.
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Moderator:
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Juliana: I have a few books at home that deal with the subject of sexual education, one of them consists of a lot of illustrations ("The Joy of Sex"). Do you think it is a good idea to put them within sight and reach of my children and explain things whenever they ask for it?
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Dr. Ramiro Molina:
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If you know the book well, have read through it and intend to use it as an instrument to encourage conversations with your children you need to be prepared for any kind of question. I think you were the one that had difficulties in explaining your son what oral sex is about and found it difficult to answer. It depends a lot on the age your children have in order to use books as an instrument for sexual education without a previous conversation with the parents. So hopefully there is direct communication between children and parents and the books are only a supporting method.
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Moderator:
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Jesus, M. y J.: Is it better to talk about sexuality with the children as a family or should there only be one person?
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Dr. Ramiro Molina:
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If the subject of sexuality occurs in a family reunion, the family needs to be prepared beforehand so the participants don't feel overrun by certain topics. It is important that the children understand that within one family there will always be a variety of opinions and criteria towards the same theme such as sexuality, homosexuality, abortion, masturbation and other sensitive aspects that normally create conflicts and disagreements between the members of the family. If you think that your children are old enough and able to be confronted with such a discussion, talking with the whole family can be a good method but, of course, there is always a residual risk to everything.
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Moderator:
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Pepe: Should sexuality be taken as a proove of love and pleasure?
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Dr. Ramiro Molina:
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Sexuality is an element of our personality that accompanies us throughout our entire life and can be pleasure as well as pain, depending on how we accept it. The subject of love is something inherent of human?s sexuality and it is absurd to separate the two. Though there are moments in which pure physical love becomes an object of searching sexual pleasure without agreeing to any commitment that includes love, for example: The sexual intercourse leading to a fantastic orgasm with a professional prostitute.
On the other hand, couples where both are aged around 90, there might be pleasure without inevitably relating to sexual intercourse.
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Moderator:
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Chara: Who of the parents should be in charge of the conversations about sexuality? I ask because I find it a lot easier to talk to my daughter but I don't see my husband doing so with our son.
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Dr. Ramiro Molina:
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The one that feels more capable to do it should be in charge. And commonly, the boys have less interest in participating in this subject. If there is hardly any communication between your husband and son, the communication between your husband and daughter is nil, especially if she has already started with her sex life. It is the question of genus that is part of the sexual education and that needs time until the roles of man and woman educating the children is better shared. If only the mother is the one that communicates it is valuable to maintain it this way and help the husband to take on different subjects that he finds easier to talk about. It wouldn't make sense to get him into situations he is not prepared for.
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Moderator:
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Gladys: I have doubts regarding masturbation. I have a niece that masturbates and my sister does not know how to react. Is that normal?
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Dr. Ramiro Molina:
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Masturbation is part of the normal psychological and sexual evolution of the children and the first exploration stimulates them to do it with a certain frequency. Masturbation is more frequently seen with the boys than with girls but it doesn't do any biological or psychological harm. However, there is one type that is called compulsive masturbation, meaning that the centre and interest of boys, girls and adolescents is masturbation such that they are caught in school or at home by family members. Normally this type of masturbation is a consequence or sign of other psychological or mental conflicts within the family nucleus. It is not a disease itself. It is like the cough during bronchitis or the sneeze during a cold. We should try to find the reason within other personal or family situations which explain this phenomenon. For a man it is necessary to know that sperm is constantly produced and that the production of sperm or rather their storage varies between 60 and 80 days and can spontaneously be ejected through wet dreams or voluntary masturbation after this period.
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Moderator:
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Antonella: Is it normal when 17 or 18 year old adolescents masturbate or does it mean sexual anxiety?
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Dr. Ramiro Molina:
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Masturbation among adolescents and adults can be due to different reasons. For adults that have been sexually abstinent masturbation is a very normal phenomenon. And there is the same explanation for 17 or 18 year old adolescents that was given before: sperms are permanently produced and stored for around 60 or 80 days and are finally released through masturbation or spontaneous emissions. That is a physical process. But if permanent masturbation is the only way of sexual satisfaction of a man or woman, it could be a sign of psychological problems that need professional help and support, especially if they create personal conflicts.
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Moderator:
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Juliana: Do you think my daughter could feel offended if her dad takes on the talk about sexuality or is it better that I do it from the start?
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Dr. Ramiro Molina:
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The answer you can only find within your family because you are the one that knows the husband best and vice versa. The dynamic within your family will determine the relationship between you and your children. There is no recipe. If your daughter asks your husband a question, of course he should be the one answering. But it is absurd to constantly run behind the daughter for sexual education. You set the dynamic that works best.
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Moderator:
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Doctor, we are running out of time. I think two more questions before we say goodbye.
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Dr. Ramiro Molina:
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Sure.
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Moderator:
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Analia: My mother criticised me for having started to openly talk with my children about sexuality. She thinks I do not take the things seriously enough. It would steal the anticipation towards marriage. Is she right?
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Dr. Ramiro Molina:
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Our mothers belong to a generation that was restrictive and prohibitive. It is very important to treat our parents with understanding regarding this subject, letting them know that we love them but that we are now the ones deciding on educational aspects for our children.
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Moderator:
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Gladys: Shall I encourage the use of contraceptives, especially of preservatives towards my sons?
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Dr. Ramiro Molina:
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If you encourage it, the knowledge will help to be responsible and stay healthy during sexual relationships - and to teach that is the parent?s obligation. Today we are obliged to communicate with our children about such topics. Remember that the principal cause of death among young people in South America is AIDS and more people die of HIV than of accidents and violence.
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Moderator:
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Doctor, I think we have obtained a fullness of information thanks to your experience. Would you like to provide a final comment for our visitors?
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Dr. Ramiro Molina:
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To all friends of the chat: Thanks for your questions and pardon me if my answers haven't been sufficiently clear or explicit. It is difficult to consider every relation to the matter. I thank you for your interest and like to say I'm at your disposal respecting the valuable principles, philosophy and ideology that necessarily cross the subject of sexuality. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share with you. Good Night.
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Moderator:
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Thank you for this chat, Doctor Ramiro Molina. Good Night.
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